The Bro-ad to Parenthood
by dr-canis-horriblus
Summary: It is written in the Bro Code that bros should not become dads- why would they want to? Once a bro, always a bro, and your bro-ness CAN be ruined by an annoying crying child ("Always remember, Ted: Suits over diapers.") And besides, Robin could never have a baby anyway...or that's what she thinks. But there's always a 'what if', and the bro-ad to parenthood is just beginning...


**READ BEFORE YOU START THE STORY. This is the first chapter of many to come for yes, another Swarkles baby fic. I was beyond frustrated with the finale for, well, many reasons, but one of the reasons being that I didn't like how Barney and Robin ended up childless (Or rather just Robin. Barney had his own child. Which is sorta what this is about.) I get that Robin never wanted children, but I am, by nature, just one of those people who REALLY wanted a Swarkles kid more than anything, so if you didn't support that idea, this fic might not be for you. You might choose to read a different Swarkles fic, or just a different fic at all, if you don't even ship them. My point being, I believe that Robin would have eventually come around to the idea of children (Did you see how she loved holding Marvin? What would make a child of Barney's any different? Exactly.) So, without further ado, I present the first chapter of this story, of which will probably be fluffier than the fur of a blow-dried puppy. I will probably change around some timeline stuff as opposed to the actual show (Such as Ted here will be getting married to Tracy in 2015, as I feel it's more suitable. Accurately, 'Classic Schmosby wouldn't want to wait as long as he actually did), just if I feel it is necessary, but some of it may be in accordance, so if I do decide to do that, I'll warn you all in this intro thingy. Just read the intro thingy so you won't be confused. Anyway, this is the story of how, by some miracle, Robin becomes a mother, changing both her skepticism towards miracles, and she and Barney's life as they know it. Be warned: This fic WILL be fluffy. Also, keep reading to figure out why I chose what I did as the beginning to this story.**

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_ Robin Scherbatsky…you're not pregnant. _Nothing in the world had ever carried greater joy or relief to her than those words, and there was nothing that could probably ever again. Hearing that statement from a doctor brought to her an immediate rush of finality that spread throughout her entire body, overtaking her like a wave in a sense that was almost euphoric and ended in a twisting feeling of glee all over.

_Not pregnant. _If that wasn't the most reassuring set of words in the world, then what was? She wasn't prepared to have kids right now, nor did she ever expect to be, and Barney was on the same side of things as she was. He was there in the room when the news was out, and in the minute Robin looked at him, she could instantly see his face light up, as he was internally exploding with his own feelings of happiness.

"YES!" he cheered, triumphantly throwing both hands up into the air, Robin by his side, smiling widely, unable to believe this nearly unrealistically great news. He brought his hands down, holding one out to her. "Not Parents-Five!" he declared, and Robin gladly high fived him.

What followed for the next few hours was a doozy. There was champagne being toasted, even more high fives, and tons of laughter and mocking at the fact that Robin merely once thought that she was pregnant. Barney even mentioned changing his holiday of Not a Father's Day to Not a Parent's Day, because the event was so awesome that it deserved to be more widespread.

Both of them spent the majority of the day on a high that was practically indescribable, prouder than they thought possible. Though, at the moment, they were not even halfway close to being in a relationship together, they found it impossible not to dwell on this pleasant surprise. Life was at its best at the minute, and there was no use in denying that.

The last thing she remembered was…crap, she couldn't even remember the last thing she remembered. As her eyes fluttered awake, recalling the events of the previous night and its affairs seemed like something that just couldn't be done. The haze of the night passed into her memories, all one giant, uninterpretable blur that blended a sickening array of colors, smells, sights, bright lights, noises, and tastes into one blob of a thought. Where was she right now? _Right, Barney's room. _The big question that remained was what happened the previous night, and it was one that didn't appear to be getting answered any time soon.

Robin sat up on his bed; as she did, it felt as if several nails were being pounded into every inch of her head, a throbbing, immobilizing headache forming and intensifying by the second.

_So much for promising myself I'll never get drunk again…_she thought, looking disappointedly down at her wrinkled mess of a shirt- the same shirt she had on last night, meaning that Barney must have simply tossed her into bed with it on, suggesting that she had been too inebriated to change into anything else herself.

_Wow I'm a mess. _She threw her legs off the side of the bed, setting her feet on the soft carpeting, but so unnervingly shakey that it was a struggle to muster enough strength to support her whole body.

Once she did manage to get up, she felt a sickening tug at her stomach, and figured it must only and unfortunately have been the after results of the alcohol coming back up the way it went down. She sprinted to the bathroom, tossing up the toilet lid and gagging until her stomach hurt.

"Wow, someone's having a rough morning after." Once the episode had ended, she turned her head just long enough to see Barney, who was fully suited up in a somewhat worn looking grey suit and black tie, and standing in the doorway.

"Yeah, aren't you?" she asked, flushing the toilet.

He stifled a yawn. "Oh, yeah, definitely. I…already puked about five times this morning, so I had to double check to insure that I'd purged all my insides out before getting dressed." He jerked his head downwards in gesture to the suit. "Although, to be fair, this IS my hangover suit. So are you okay, or do you need me?"

She shook her head in frustration over Barney's forgetfulness, breathing out a sigh. Looking at him with messy curls dangling in her face, she responded with, "Barney, we've been married for almost over a year, by now, I think you know the protocol for your wife barfing her _everything _out."

"Which means?"

"I'm not okay! Of course I need you!"

"Ohh, right." A devious grin on his face, he knelt next to Robin by the toilet in case she needed him to hold her hair in the next few minutes. "Man, can you imagine if this was _Marshall?" _He smirked as he thought about it. "Ha, he'd be all 'ew, vomiting people are nasty!' 'Ew, you're drunk, stop throwing up!' 'Ew, you sound like a garbage disposal being fed a dead rat! Hehe, Marshall. Dorky dork face."

Robin could instantly read into Barney's taunting. "So what you're saying is that I'm making you sick, aren't I?"

Barney quickly and nervously licked his lips, averting Robin's gaze. "Um…no. Psh, why would you make me sick? That's like, stupid, Robin, I mean, we were talking about _Marshall, _not me. Geez. I can see the drinking's influenced someone's brain."

Robin resumed her episode once more, and Barney held back her hair, swallowing down the acid that was beginning to rise in his own throat as he did so.

Once she had stopped, he appeared more than a little pale, placing one hand on his stomach as if to halt himself from being sick. She didn't bother to ask him if _he _was okay, but rather seemed to ignore his nausea.

"Worst hangover in the world," she panted, exhausted from heaving in sickness.

He nodded, shrugging off the peculiar feeling in the pit of his stomach. "I know something that would help that, if…you think you'd be okay alone for a few seconds."

Robin tiredly collapsed on the cold floor of the bathroom, her head still reeling in immense pain. "I'll be fine," she told him.

"Great, I'll be back!" he responded, perky as ever as he stood up and quickly exited the bathroom.

He walked out to the kitchen, throwing open the cupboards in an attempt to find what he was looking for. He pulled out everything from the cupboards that he could and laid it out on the countertop until he located the first ingredient he needed- a miniature bag of Funyons. He smiled proudly to himself at his quick finding, then popped open the bag, grabbing a handful of the strong-smelling chips and tossing it into the blender.

What was next- the ginger root and the bananas- proved to also be relatively easy to find, as was the Tantrum, since both of them always kept a spare bottle in the back of the fridge for such situations.

Barney emptied all of the ingredients into the blender, before remembering the one he was forgetting- bacon grease, which he had none of at the time. Shrugging, he threw open another cupboard and pulled out a package of beef jerky.

_Close enough._

He carelessly tossed in a sliver of the dried meat and hit the 'blend' button.

Robin was still collapsed when he reentered the bathroom, holding a frothy glass of the green, odd smelling drink. The cloying odor of it was enough to make her stomach lurch once again.

"Stinson Hangover Fixer Elixir!" he declared proudly. "C'mon. Up." He gestured for Robin to sit up, and reluctantly, she did.

"Barney, I…I don't know about this." She said the words weakly, pushing a hair out of her face. In the past, the elixir had been a definite cure all, but now, she couldn't be so sure. After all, this _was _an abnormally terrible hangover.

"Just take it." He comfortingly held out the glass, and she gently took it from his hands.

Gulping down a great majority of the tall glass's contents within a few seconds, she was surprised at her ability to keep it all down. She wiped off her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Well?" he asked.

She savored the taste of the concoction for a couple of minutes, allowing the benefits to fully kick in before answering. Licking her top lip, she responded with, "It's great. It worked."

"Ha! Knew it would!" Barney smiled excitedly, his boyish energy bursting from his overall being.

"Always trust Barney Stinson to make you feel better on your worst days, eh?" She smiled back at him weakly, gently hitting his arm with the back of her hand.

"Please. I can make you feel better on your _best _days, I'm just that awesome." Sitting back down, he propped one leg up, resting the other on the bathroom floor. "Y'know, aren't you just glad you can't have kids sometime?"

That question came out of his mouth so suddenly that it truly startled Robin, and she choked out a mouthful of the drink into the glass, having just taken a large sip of it seconds before. She wiped off her mouth and looked at him, cocking one eyebrow, the way she always did.

"Huh?"

"Yeah, aren't you ever just really glad that you can't have kids?"

_Was there a right or wrong answer? _Robin couldn't be sure, nor could she be sure of what kind of question this was. She tightened her lips together in thought, pulling in her cheeks.

"Um…well, yes. I mean, I never, y'know, really wanted kids, but, uh, I don't know…exactly. Why, are you glad?"

Barney cocked his head to the side, shifting his jaw in concentration. "Yeah, kinda. Well, don't get me wrong here, I think there are sorta…perks, I guess, to being a dad, but then again, kids are annoying. They run around tirelessly, they try to stab you with pencils, they sometimes shower you with glitter, like…" He paused, grinning widely. "That time when all of those kindergartners in Lily's class figured out a way to ambush her with buckets of glitter glue."

Robin nodded, smiling. That truly had been hilarious, and there was just no other way to say it. Fairly enough, that day was April Fool's Day, and in spirit, Barney and Robin had rallied together to pull off the most legendary prank they could, using children as their minions like puppet masters.

In preparation, Barney had purchased several pints of the gooey solution from his 'Glitter Guy'- yes he had a Glitter Guy by the name of Rickard- and also frequented The Lusty Leopard for scraps left on the floor, knowing well that the place was a glitter shower from experience (The last time he visited, he complained for days about the amount of glitter scattered in his hair and on his clothes, and Ted even mocked him by nicknaming him B. McGlitter Trails.)

The morning of the holiday, Barney arrived promptly at Lily's school, giant buckets of the stuff in his hands, which had been diluted with water to increase the quantity.

"Okay, I got the glitter glue, now what?"

Robin was leaning against a wall in the hallway, looking down at her phone, a navy green cap on her head which obscured her face from being seen. She looked up momentarily at Barney.

"Oh, great, R-Stacks and Barnhouse Supreme are in the glitter zone, okay, here's what I want you to do."

She leaned in to whisper the plan in Barney's ear, and his face lit up with diabolical mischief.

"Consider it done."

From there, he located Lily's class and proceeded to tell the kids what he wanted, promising them candy and a trip to Coney Island if they came through.

"That's not enough to be worth hurting Mrs. Aldrin," one, a blonde girl by the name of Sarah, said, crossing her arms and pouting.

"Wow, teacher's pet," Barney remarked under his breath. He wrinkled his forehead in thought for a few minutes. "Okay, fine, you'll also get money. And a puppy. And…some energy drinks. Just shower Mrs. Aldrin with glitter as soon as she walks in, okay?"

The children, easily convincible as young children are, all nodded, and Barney handed out red solo cups filled with the glue. The next few minutes were pure disaster on every account- simultaneously, the kids all heaved their glitter at Lily, dousing her entire body, and she screamed in surprise.

When she asked who's idea it was, the same little girl told her, "Some tall blond guy in a suit." Lily immediately identified who that was, and the girl led her to the janitor's closet across the hall, where Barney and Robin were hiding out.

Lily flung open the door, thoroughly drenched in wet glitter. The looks on their faces were ones of pure shock- caught redhanded! They exchanged glances, trying to figure out who should take the blame.

"Heyyy! Lily! You look shiny!" Barney finally said, a goofy smile on his face as he tucked his hands into his pants pockets.

"Youuu son of a-" Lily then remembered the child by her side, completing the exclamation with, "BEACH!"

Now, in the present, Robin and Barney smiled in remembrance, nodding to themselves.

"Hmm," Barney said dreamily. "Best. Prank. Ever."

Robin bobbed her head in agreement. "Yeah, but those kindergartners didn't just figure out how to shower her with glitter." She stopped herself mid speech, preventing a laugh from escaping. _"We _taught them how to shower her with glitter."

Barney cackled mischievously to himself. "Haha, yeah we did."

For a couple of minutes, they both just sat there on the bathroom floor, cherishing one of their greatest mutual accomplishments before snapping back into reality.

"Can you imagine us as parents?" he finally asked, knowing well that this was highly unlikely, alas wanting to know the answer to that question anyway.

She shook her head slowly. "Not even for one second."

More silence followed. Robin smoothed out the creases of her royal blue pants, emblazoned down the sides with large white print that read "Vancouver Canucks."

"You'd be a _million _times grosser than you were just a few minutes ago," Barney commented, breaking the silence. "You'd throw up a ton, you'd gain, like, twenty-five pounds, you'd eat…all kinds of crap, like-"

"Lily's peanut butter and Cheeto sandwiches, yeah, that was a real memory," Robin finished, emphasizing the word 'that' with a forward flick of her finger.

"Pregnant women are nasty," Barney finally concluded. "Except, of course, for, y'know, when the upstairs neighbors get the memo." He winked, reflecting on the only advantage for if Robin were to ever get pregnant, which he knew was impossible. Still, it was a fun idea to have.

Robin shook her head again. "Yeah, but it's not really worth all that other stuff, is it?"

He opened his mouth to reply, before she cut him off. "Trick question, don't answer it."

He looked down awkwardly, playing with his fingers.

"I guess I pretty much am happy that I can't have kids," she told him, confidence in her voice. "I mean, it's not like I'd ever want any anyway."

"Same here," he agreed to her.

She glanced over at Barney, who was sitting on the bathroom floor, zoning out tiredly. She was unable to resist placing her hands on the rims of his jackets, straightening them out with her fingers precisely. _Adorable. _If there was one word to describe him in the morning, it was simply adorable, his hair scruffy and eyes bleary. It was nice being exposed to that side of him- his hair was not spiked up in the front the way it usually was, and he lacked that distinct, ostentatious charisma that was common to him the rest of the day.

She leaned in, about to go for a kiss, but he pulled away quickly. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Flugel Horn!"

Realizing that something was off, she drew back a few inches. "What's wrong?"

"Robin, do ya not remember you just spewed like a broken fountain about four minutes ago?"

_Now _she remembered. "Oh, right. I should probably brush my teeth." She stood up and walked over to the sink.

"Uh, yeah, it would be advised," Barney stated. He too stood up, stretching his muscles and feeling the delightful sensation of looseness shoot throughout his entire body, tingling his nerves in an equally satisfying way. He straightened down his suit, which had become crumpled from sitting so long, with both of his hands, and then peered at himself in the mirror once Robin lowered her head to spit. Adjusting his tie, he smiled to himself. _Looking awesome as ever. _

Robin turned off the faucet, wiping her mouth down with a dark gray towel initialed with _B.S._

"So it's decided," Barney said. "We make awesome not-parents."

She drew closer to him. "Yes we do."

Hanging her arms over his shoulders, their lips locked together. _Not parents. _The greatest sentiment one could carry.


End file.
